Height: 1.8m (2m with hair)
Last Seen: 30.12.17
Location: St Andrews
This is an urgent appeal for anyone that may have information pertaining to the whereabouts of ‘Jota’ to come forward. All information will be treated as anonymous although there may be a reward if information given leads to the safe returning of the player. Jota can be most commonly found sprinting parallel to white lines and will often attempt to shuffle round passers by before someone inevitably knocks him on his arse. The subject has long black hair, occasionally pinned back with a hairband and has been known to murmur “I know nothing, I’m from Barcelona”, which is particularly odd since he’s from Caruna. (Joke for the dads there)
Though some have commented that Jota regularly goes missing during football matches, he has always been physically present. However, his appearances have decreased dramatically over the past few weeks. Jota walked out with the team at home to Norwich and was replaced in the 46th minute. The following week he returned for just 13 minutes against Leeds and that is the last anyone has seen of him. Has he gone back to Spain? Has Rowett kidnapped him like he tried to do to Dutch Mike? Has Cotterill just decided that his face doesn’t fit anymore and subsequently locked him in the changing rooms at Wast Hills? We cannot be sure.
Jota’s disappearance is especially disturbing since he was really starting to find his feet at the club. He had his critics during the early stages of his Birmingham City tenure, myself included, but his final few performances were great improvements and the return of fellow former bee Maxime Colin really seemed to lift his game. As a club we’re crying out for a creative player and Jota fits that bill. Sure we have Jezza on the opposite flank, but for all his skill, his decision making leaves a little to be desired. The boys have been playing a lot better since Christmas and are showing signs that survival may be possible. We are still missing vital links though, namely a second striking option and a playmaking wizard. Jota always had talent in him and anyone that says he doesn’t have the ability is being overly critical.
Aside from the desperate need for some Jota flair, Senor Ramallo cost us £6 million! Six bloody million English pounds; that’s nearly seven million Euros! The guy that smashed our transfer record is essentially a ghost. Assuming he hasn’t been abducted, I pray that at the very least Steve has got him mowing the grass or pulling pints before kick off. We don’t look to be bringing in anyone new during this transfer window since not only will we breach FFP regulations but we’re also skint. I wonder how much Jota’s wages are tarnishing our bleak financial figures? It’s a lot of money to pay for someone to keep a bench warm, we could have kept Brock Madsen who’d have done that much cheaper for us.
Times are tough but they’d be a little bit easier if we looked at the tools at our disposal, rather than casting a net into a sea of potential transfers and hoping to catch a good’un. Jota is a proven talent at Brentford. Harry got a fair few things wrong in my opinion, but bringing Jota in wasn’t one of them. Sure he hasn’t set the club on fire as of yet, but he certainly looked like he was about to before the rug was pulled from under him. One only needs to speak to Brentford fans to know what a game changer could be. Hell, One only needs to ask Harlee and Maxime the same question!
J-Mags and Big Sam are the new Brad and Angelina. They are keeping our hopes alive at the moment and under no circumstances should Mallagher (I’m determined to make that name work) be removed from the starting line up. This leaves two options; either play Jota in the middle or swap him for Boga. Personally I’d replace Jezza. Though he scored a stunner against Sheffield and has looked dangerous at times, JB does seem to have magnetic shin pads that cause him to run sideways toward the metallic advertising boards. A more experienced midfielder in his position will hopefully run at the box, recognise the options available to him and capitalise on them.
So please, if ANYONE has seen or heard anything concerning Jota’s current location, get in touch. You can find us on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, or alternatively you can put him in a taxi and direct it to St Andrews. If someone out there has him locked away and may be regretting their decision, we promise not to press charges if he happens to turn up on our doorstep. No questions will be asked and no authorities will get involved. We just want our player back.
Be warned; failure to return Jota may cause panic and distress, leading to unwanted rash decisions. There is a possibility that the trauma will lead Steve Cotterill to bring Cole into the club. Not Devonte. Not Ashley. Not Nat King. But Carlton Cole.
By Mark Watson